One Liners

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. (This is me)

I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store:' Buy one dog, get one flea...'

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with

I don't approve of political jokes

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because
I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

No one ever says 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

   Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'