Happy Mother's Day !

Thoughts are Things

Here are humors reflections for you –

Honoring you on Mother’s Day

excerpts from:


Mother's Teachings

.To Value A Job Well Done
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

Time Travel
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

"Because I said so, that's why."

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

Circle Of Life
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Behavior Modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

"Just wait until we get home."

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

Medical Science
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

How To Become An Adult
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

"You're just like your father."

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Winter Attire
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

- - -

excerpts from www.humormatters.com/holidays/mothersday.htm

Things Moms Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

Mother's Dictionary

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Two Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: able to whine in words

Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house..

Weekend: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Principles of Motherhood

1. Motherhood ~~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
3. To be
in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
4. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
5. Avenge yourself ~~~ Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
6. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ~~ and to let the air out of the tires.
8. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
16. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
29. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

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You Know You're a Mom When ...

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. 

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Things my Mother Taught Me
Submitted by Gregory Osborn
to joke-of-the-day.com

Contortionism: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

How To Solve Physics Problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

Hypocrisy : "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

Logic... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

To Think Ahead... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

To Meet a Challenge... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

About Sex... "How do you think you got here?"

Roots... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

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How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Be A Mother

 Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. 
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55 gallon drum of LEGOs (if LEGOs are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold, take off shoes, go barefoot.  Try to walk from bedroom to kitchen then to child's rooms.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. 

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m.  Set alarm for 5:00 a.m.  Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. 
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove ten of the beans.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve.  Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. 
Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Happy Mother's Days to my friends and mothers.

ted on Charleston, W. Va.